Attack of the Fanfic Punch Lines!
by ThisbeHecate
Summary: Tenth in the Potions Homework Series. What happens when Harry Potter reads Fanfiction? He doesn't do his potions homework, that's what. He uses punchlines from fics to confuse Snape in class. Who isn't *Thanks to other authors for use of their quotes!*
1. Fanfic and Fliers

Summary: What happens when Harry reads Fan fiction instead of doing his Potions Homework? Well, he enlists others help in using punch lines from fics to confuse Snape in class. Other than Ron and Hermioine, who else could be in on it??

A/N: Still don't own anything really... except my car... wait, the bank still owns that... yea, still don't own anything, so don't sue. There will be a much longer AN at the end of this fic as I had much help with this!

First, I would like to say that this fic actually came from a review left on my fic 'Kill Your Own Damn Crazies' from Ysidro. So, if it's good, thank them. Or, if it sucks... blame them!

* * *

For the third night in a row, Ron woke in the middle of the night. Turning over in his bed, he noticed that Harry's bed was, for the third night in a row, empty. With a groan and a roll of his eyes, Ron slipped out of bed. He stepped into his slippers and tiptoed his way across the room so as to not wake his other dorm mates. Quickly now, as he was quite cold, Ron made his way down the spiral stairs and into the common room.

Sure enough, before he even reached the bottom of the steps, he saw the familiar blue glow. Making the last turn, Ron stepped into the common room, and saw Harry exactly where he thought he would find him. There he was, seated in front of the computer that Hermione had gotten to work somehow. As he walked closer, he saw that Harry was on the same site he was always on. Reading Fanfiction... about HIM!

"Harry!" Ron hissed across the room in a low voice that carried nonetheless.

Ron did, however, have the pleasure of watching Harry jump at the sound of his voice, and allowed himself a tiny chuckle.

"Harry," Ron said once Harry had turned towards him. "Come on, classes tomorrow!"

"Go on." Was Harry's reply. "I'll be up soon."

With that Harry was lost once more. Ron threw his hands in the air, giving up. He turned and made his way back up stairs, to his nice warm bed waiting for him. Once under his blankets once more, Ron was out. He never knew whether Harry had made it to sleep that night or not.

* * *

Either Harry never made it to bed, or he was up and dressed before Ron was awake the next morning. By the time Ron made it to the common room, Harry was back at the only place you could find the boy any longer. Ron stood behind the chair Harry sat at, waiting for Hermione to come down the stairs so the three could go down for some breakfast before class. Ron didn't bother trying to talk to Harry, as he knew it would be pointless. To get his attention Ron simply raised his hand, and poked his best friend in the side of his head.

"Oi!" Harry said, rubbing his head, and turned to Ron. "What was that for?"

"Well," Ron said. "I knew that if I tried talking to you, you would never have noticed. So what would the point have been?"

"But still." Harry replied, still glaring at Ron. "Whadda want?"

"You do your potions homework by any chance?"

The blank and vacant expression on his friends face answered the question for him.

"Harry! Geesh, did you forget we even have classes anymore?"

"No." Harry was turning back around in his chair, Ron could tell he was losing him again. "I'll do it before class."

"Mate," Ron said, "we have potions first thing."

"Right, I'll do it first thing, that's right..."

At that moment, Hermione finally made her way into the common room, between her and Ron, they were able to pull Harry along to the Great Hall for breakfast.

* * *

"You do realize, Hermione," Ron attempted to say, his mouth so full of toast he sprayed half chewed pieces at the students across from him, which unfortunately for them was Harry and Ginny. "Oops, sorry guys."

Once Ron finished chewing, he tried again.

"You do realize, Hermione, that this," here, he pointed to Harry who was attempting to do his potions homework before class. "is all your fault, right?"

"My fault?" Hermione asked, her voice rising an octave. "If he showed some restraint-"

"Harry?" Ron cut Hermione off. "Show restraint? Ha! If you hadn't figured out how to work it-"

"I AM sitting right here you know!" Harry said, his temper rising finally.

Both his friends flinched and seemed to shrink a bit, and shot him apologetic looks. Seeing the looks Harry simply muttered "Yea, yea."

Suddenly, he threw his quill down, and to Hermione and Ron's shock, began tearing his potions homework into little strips.

"HARRY!" Hermione squealed in anguish. "What are you doing? You could get partial credit!"

She attempted to save the roll of parchment, but Harry rose, and pulled it out of her reach. He shot her an odd look.

"You actually thought I was sitting here, doing homework? Ha. No. Here."

He tossed a few strips of paper at her and Ron. They caught them instinctively and began reading them. After each, Ron laughed harder and harder, while Hermione paled more and more.

"Harry-" Hermione said. "I'm not-"

"What-" Ron muttered. "You okay, mate?"

"Hermione, Ron," Harry got their attention. "Hermione! Yes, you are. You are. Ron, yes, I am. And you are too. When I tell you to, you will read these. Yes you will!" He said more forcefully when he saw Hermione was about to argue more. "Hey, I saved you all from Voldemort, you OWE me, remember?"

With that, both Ron and Hermione sat, and closed their mouths. They shared a look, and looked up at Harry and nodded.

"Good." Harry said. Then he turned on his heel. "I need to see the headmaster."

* * *

"You owe me, old man!" Harry said.

"Okay, okay." Dumbledore replied.

"Good. See ya! I have to get to potions."

"Have a... well... interesting class?"

"Oh, I will, thanks."

* * *

"Well, well, well." Snape said as he saw Harry slip through the partially opened door and attempt to slink into his seat unnoticed. "Look who decided to join us! Thank-you for finally gracing us with your presence."

Behind his back, Harry made a hand movement to Ron, unnoticed to Snape and inside, Ron groaned, it was time.

"Professor," Ron said, taking the heat off his friend. "It was my fault, he was helping me."

"Oh? Is that so Mr. Weasley?" Snape turned his scowl from Harry to Ron. "And just what service did Mr. Potter offer you?"

"Well," Here, Ron looked embarrassed. He was supposed to, for the joke, but he didn't have to fake it either. He was embarrassed. "Hermione and I got in a fight."

"Oh?" Was the only response Snape gave.

Leaning over Hermione who was seated between Harry and Ron at the table, Harry barely spared a glance at Snape, who was now standing by Ron, and instead raised an eyebrow and shot an empathetic look at Ron and spoke.

"Didn't think she'd make fliers of you cuddling with Crookshanks when you started arguing with her, did you?"(1)

"No." was Ron's reply, his ears were so red, they were purple. The entire class erupted in laughter. Even Snape had difficulty not imagining a picture with Weasley hugging and kissing a hissing and scratching Crookshanks. (Everyone knew Crookshanks didn't like Ron)

"Don't worry, Ron, I got 'em all."

"That's what you think." Was Hermione's ad lib, and luckily, only Hermione and Ron saw look of glee come into Harry's eye at her added comment. "You're not allowed in the girls toilets." She shot at Harry. All the girls swore that as soon as the bell rang, they were making a mad dash for the closest bathroom.

Snape froze as he heard the word fliers. He turned all his attention from the two boys and focused instead on the brains of the trio. He stood a few moments, just staring, with a calculating look on his face, almost... approving of what she had done perhaps? Almost as soon as it was there, it was gone, and class was under way.

* * *

A/N:Well, looks like this one wont be a one-shot like all the rest, or this would be incredibly long... so, it's going to be a few chapters.

Now, if you have all read closely enough, you should have all seen a number 1 up there /\ next to a quote. Well, that would be because that quote is not mine. That belongs to writingxonxwalls in the story 'Anger Management' WONDERFULLY funny fic, that one. check it out.


	2. not cloaks CAPES!

A/N: This takes place during the same potions class as chapter 1, just later in the class. So, all disclaimers still apply. (I.E. I own... a pencil... that's about it...)

* * *

"While you are working," Snape called to his students, "I would like you all, to take out your homework, and place it on your tables. While I check on your potions, I will collect the homework."

There was a mass movement around the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he even saw Harry Potter grab his bag, reach in, and draw out parchment and place it on the table for Snape to collect. Snape couldn't help but feel a bit smug, he felt as though he had won the battle between Potter and himself when it came to the boy doing his homework. What Snape didn't see, however, was the evil Slytherin smirk on the young Gryffindors face.

Snape patrolled the tables, checking on the students potions, making little comments here and there, or little insults to little Gryffindors... whether their potion was good or not, like that mattered.

Many of the Slytherins had also seen Harry place parchment on his table to be collected therefore, they weren't expecting anything to happen, so it was a few moments longer than usual for them to notice something a miss with their professor. For he had collected all but the golden trio's homework, saving them for last. He had taken Ron's first, followed by Hermione's, and then he had grabbed the parchment that from the other side of the room he had mistaken for homework, which was in reality:

"Potter, this is not art class." Snape said through gritted teeth. Praying to whatever deity there was that he could check his temper and NOT kill the savior of their world. So far, his control was losing quite rapidly.

"I know, Sir." Harry replied. "But, I was thinking..."

At the thought of Potter thinking, Snape groaned. This could not end with the class intact.

"What do you think, sir?"

"Of what?"

"Of the drawing, sir."

Snape looked down, and took a good look at the drawing for the first time. On the piece of paper was a drawing of a smiley face, with dozens and dozens of flowers exploding from its mouth.

"What...wh- what is this supposed to be, Potter?" Snape was so revolted by the drawing, he could barely speak.

"Well, Sir, after the war, I kept asking myself: 'Self, **why doesn't the Light have a mark, too?**'(2) So I made one for the next evil wizard!"

"So, your idea of an anti-dark mark is a smiley face that looks as though it is being choked to death by flowers? Oh yes. That will send evil doers everywhere running for the hills." Was Snape's retort. The class roared with laughter. They laughed even harder as Snape held up the picture that Harry had drawn. It indeed resembled a smiley face that was being murdered by being smothered with flowers. "How about a nice slogan to match, then? _'If you have evil powers, Harry will choke you with flowers!'_ How was that?" Once more the entire class collapsed into a fit of laughter.

Harry placed a frown on his face, and went into a pout, he had planned on Hermione asking what was wrong, but she didn't have to. Snape did it for her.

"Oh, what's wrong, Potter?" Snape asked, mock concern in every syllable.

"**CLOAKS!**" Harry yelled. "**That's what's wrong**!"(2)

Snape was a bit taken a back by his reply. He was expecting his to be angry, but at Snape for mocking him.

"And why, all of a sudden," Snape was curious enough to ask. "do you have an aversion to cloaks?"

"Well," Harry replied, "**We're _supposed_ to be a group of superheroes, why don't we wear _capes_?**"(2)

"Who in their right mind ever said we were supposed to be superheroes?" Snape asked Harry, sincerely puzzled.

"Dumbledore." Was Harry's only reply.

Snape let out a snort.

"I said someone in their 'right-mind'."

Harry rolled his eyes and said, "You're one to talk. **The Whomping Willow's just about as sane as you are.**"(3)

"Watch it, Potter." Snape growled. "Or you'll be sent to see the Headmaster."

Behind his back, Harry made a hand movement, Ron and Hermione looked at each other in confusion, it wasn't to either of them. What was Harry doing?

Harry leaned back in his seat, so he could have a clear view of the person he was about to speak with, and it wasn't Ron and Hermione.

"Do you know why Professor Snape is so grouchy today?"

Ron and Hermione couldn't believe it! HE was in on it?

"Yes." Malfoy drawled. Harry had had to remind him the same as Ron and Hermione that Harry had killed Voldemort and that Draco owed him to get him to agree. "The goat bit him, now he's cranky."

To every ones amazement, from the corner of the classroom, a goat came walking from out of the shadows, and into the middle of the room, just standing there, looking around as though it belonged there.

Just as Snape drew his wand to get rid of the barn animal, it suddenly disappeared. Deciding he _REALLY _didn't want to know, Snape did not question his students as to the owner of the goat. Instead, he turned back to Harry, and extended his hand, still awaiting the boys homework.

"Snuffles ate my homework." Was Harry's excuse.

Snape glared at the boy.

"Don't be a dolt. You know as well as I do. He. Is. Dead." Snape spat.

To his astonishment, Harry's eyes began to tear. His head slowly turned towards Hermione.

"Yo- You... You... l-lied to... to m-me!" he managed to say between great heaving sobs. "You said... th- that was Snuf...Snuffles!"

Complete despair came over her face as she looked at Harry. She consoled him for a while and when she finally was able to calm him, she turned her face to Snape and every line of her face was etched with fury. Harry had a moment of pride. He never knew what a good actress Hermione could be.

Snape actually quailed under her glare. Harry put a scared look on his face and spoke to his teacher who was very slowly backing away from the fuming witch.

"Sir, **think of her as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, okay? Hermione's vision is based on movement:_ she can't see Snape if Harry doesn't move!_**"(4) Harry actually saw the moment that Snape believed that could be possible, and could have danced when Snape turned on Harry, and yelled at him to stay still.

It was actually almost a full minute after that the full absurdity of the statement sunk in and Snape reacted.

"Potter!" He yelled. "We're going to see the headmaster. Malfoy! Granger! Watch the class!"

With that Snape grabbed the back of Harry's robes and dragged him from the classroom.

"You know, Sir," Harry said, as Snape was dragging him out, "If I was wearing a cape, you wouldn't be able to do this!"

* * *

"Is this correct, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked later in his office. Harry was seated in his usual chair, Snape was on his feet behind it, with Dumbledore seated behind his desk. "You did not do your homework today?"

"Well, you see, Professor Dumble.. you know, Sir," Harry replied. "Your name is awfully long. You ever think of a nickname?"

Harry heard Snape groan behind his chair.

"No." Dumbldore replied, a large smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, something short." Harry thought a moment. "How about... **P Dibby?**"(5)

Dumbledore's smile and twinkle both grew.

"I like it!"

Snape groaned even louder.

"Can we get back to the issue at hand, headmas-"

"It's P Dibby, now." P Dibby corrected Snape.

"I don't think so. Back to the issue at hand."

"Oh fine. Old fart." Turning back to Harry, P Dibby continued. "No homework?"

"I did it!"

"You did it?" asked P Dibby.

"Yupp."

"Where?"

"**In my pants**.(6)"

"In your pants?"

"Yes. In my pants."

"You did your homework... in your pants?"

"That's what I said!"

"..."

"......."

"..!....."

"In... your pants?"

"Yes. In-"

"your pants."

"WHAT?!" yelled Snape.

"**IN MY PANTS - GOD DAMN IT!**(6)"

**"I _KNOW!_" P Dibby yelled joyfully, his hands up in the air as he jumped up from his desk, a stupid grin plastered across his face like an amused 4 year-old.**(6)

"WHAT?!" Snape seemed to really like the word today....

**"BLOODY HELL!" Harry screamed, as he then stormed from** P Dibby's** office, having had quite enough of this rubbish, **(6)going back to potions.

**"HOORAY!" **P Dibby** exclaimed gleefully after him as the boy left his office.** (6)**  
**

**"Incredibly talented boy, that one."**(6)P Dibby said to Snape. "Must give him some more house points. Imagine... doing potions homework in his pants. You must give him more than full credit, Severus, you know..."

* * *

By the time Snape returned to the potions class, Harry had beaten him there. Snape opened the door, and a strange sight met his eyes. Harry was seated at his table, working on his potion, but the entire class was staring at him. Not one other person was doing any work. They were giving him an odd look too. Not just staring... an odd stare.

"Potter..." Snape said. When Harry looked up, Snape continued. "What did you do to them?" He indicated the students around the class room.

Harry looked around the room, and glanced from student to student as though noticing them for the first time.

"Well, Sir,** people tend to think oddly of you when you run into a room screaming 'bananas'**.(7)" With that Harry returned to work, and Snape decided, for his mental health, he was taking the rest of the day off.

* * *

A/N:

Ok. Here we go:

The quotes are numbered, but some also ran long, so all the stuff in **bold** were part of the other authors story, and they were all great enough to allow me to use them! (And seriously, I LOVED every single story these quotes came from... laughed my ass off!)

#2: '40 Ways to Tick Off the Order of the Phoenix' by DrunkYouthProdigiesAssociation

#3: 'Sanity, and the Whomping Willow' by Ailionora

#4: 'Just a Harmless Joke' by CrazyGirl47 (by the way, the end of the quote really goes: _she can't see George if Fred doesn't move. _Not Harry and Snape.)

#5: 'Nicknames' by Flyingxdragonx123

#6: 'In My Pants' by Emerald Elf-Slytherin707

#7: 'Bananas' by iluvpuddin

Ok, that's it people! Now, GO READ THESE FICS! Just not at work... Cause I did... laughed my ass off, and almost got caught... not good!


End file.
